Coming back to my mat: A Journey into Stillness...

By Courtney - Studio Manager

Over the past two weeks, I blindly decided to make coming to my mat a non-negotiable priority. Particularly, coming to my fellow teachers classes again, in-studio (thank god for my amazing husband who takes care of all three of our children while I'm down the road for an hour taking a class). If you didn't know, we recently had our third baby back in March. A journey of love and softness of its own, we decided to birth him at home in the safety of his nest where he spent the entire first month of his life. His birth was a full-circle experience. But this journey through postpartum has been different as they all are and I've found that what my body has been aching for, what's it's been crying out for me to do was to take a class. It'd been since August.

Rewinding things, when I found out I was pregnant back in July, my life was at its peak - I was teaching multiple classes and practicing daily, working hard to make our studio shine, homeschooling our oldest all while caring for & nursing our 8-month old full-time. I was energized even on the little sleep I got each night. Taking care of myself was non-negotiable and quite easy to come by with the support and love I had cultivated around me. I felt like this was me, in my fullest most bountiful expression. Life was at full-speed, and I at my full potential. I couldn't imagine anything else.

From then, I felt an extreme shift in my identity. Instead of a very yang-like expansion, (like I feel my entire life had been built upon thus far) life sent me inward. I felt called to live a quieter, more private life all of the sudden. I felt this call to start slowing things down, so that I could not only live my life with more balance, alignment & intention as I entered yet another season of motherhood, but so that I could still grow & thrive through it. This path of growth didn't look the same as it always had though and I was forced to make changes to my habits and practice. Quite literally, my body was tired. Therefore my soul. I'd been giving a lot of myself freely to others for years. I experienced the urge to soften deeply, finally, for what has seemed like my whole life. On all levels, two pregnancies back to back was taking A LOT from me (although as a mom, of course I wouldn't change a thing - it was my path all along). I needed a different type of nourishment.

Reality hits, I no longer am able to ignore the desire to release this current version of myself. I had to say goodbye to teaching & practicing at my high level, high-energy pace I had taught at for three years, practiced at for 11. I was ready to once again learn from being instead of doing. It felt like I was stripping back old layers, forcing myself to let them fall away. I felt universally encouraged to begin attending more restorative & meditative classes to just breathe through what felt like the most urgent shift I had ever experienced. I was being called back into being a student. As I practiced at a lower volume, I noticed my intuition becoming louder & more clear than ever and I felt love for myself in ways I can't even explain. I was leaning into the greatest gift I could give myself; acceptance, rest & quiet time to again find my way back to this new hOMe.

Back then I kept wondering if my yoga practice was forever shifted into this place, would I ever feel that same powerful yang energy that my whole practice had been built upon? I still don't know. I'm moving through, but the most beautiful part is that I don't force myself into the future like I used to. I accept what is true for me right now. And that is that our practice is our life, and it is always changing with the seasons.

This slower paced, more present, more inward yoga practice & way of living has lead me to my ultimate balance. A balance of effort and ease, a life of softness while still knowing it is all going to get done. Living more in the feminine... This new me knows I don't have to power through. I don't have to live and perform at my fullest 24/7. I actually can do everything I desire, in a flow state. I can create and care for myself/my family so as long as I just trust in the present moment. If I slow down. If I find quiet. If I remove distractions... (I haven't had a drink in three years & have been off all social media for a year and a half, other stories of their own). I can choose this life.

I feel I am finally letting go of what I think I should be, who I think I am to give into my present needs. I am finding what it's all been calling me to see with not only my eyes but my mind, my soul & my heart.

I truly love how my practice has shifted. I love how much more fully I can breathe after I come out of a class at our studio. There is something that I now am beginning to treasure and appreciate as I enter into this next phase of my practice and that's the power of community. The love that is cultivated for yourself & the people around you when your teacher reminds you that "this time is for you...". The urge to sigh it out when they tell you to just "let go". The sounds of others taking their most expansive, most loving breaths. Simple smiles that just keep your inner light lit. This connected energy isn't just seen, it's felt.

In my opinion, it's felt by coming to a class, breaking free of the comfort of our own space to let others in to help guide you to your fullest, even if it doesn't look the same as it used to.

Let this next phase of life be one of knowing. The phase where you come back to what is true for you. To let go of what once was to make room for the beautiful, bountiful, always evolving version of you.

Hope to see you all more this summer in-studio,

Courtney & Buka Yoga